The results are in…

First of all, thank you to the 93 people who gave enough craps to take my little survey a few days ago. I really appreciate your help because I’m too stuck in my own head to make decisions.

When it came to the responses, it is clear there was an overwhelming favorite (THANK YOU, because if there had been a 3 way tie I probably would have ripped my face off).

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Hooray! A memoir-style book of humorous essays wins. 

My one surprise was that the film and TV scripts ended up with the same number of votes. In the beginning of the survey, the film script had way more votes, but in the last hours of the survey, the TV script really pulled ahead.

BONUS: Best survey comment goes to Erika. (Don’t worry, the survey was totally anonymous. I just talked to Erika after she did the survey and she was very proud of herself—and rightfully so.)

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I think she’s on to something big. I told her if I did a book about poops I would name one after her. It’s the least I can do.

Finally, there was one other comment (I don’t know who this one is from) that made me smile:

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More blog posts? You got it, dude.


Crowdsourcing My Life

I was a freelance writer for 2 years, went to work at an ad agency for the last 9 months, and then decided to go back to freelancing. I missed being the boss of myself. This has been my first week full time freelancing again and I’m definitely happy with my decision.

One big reason I chose to live the freelance lifestyle again is because I wanted more time to write the funny things I want to write, that I’ve been meaning to write for a long time (but haven’t because I’m great at making excuses). Now that I’m in charge of my work schedule, I want to choose one main personal project to work on and incorporate into my daily life.

There’s a problem, though. I’m really bad at making decisions. Like, awful.

So, like a true millennial, I am crowdsourcing my next move. I want you to choose what type of project I am going to tackle first. That way, if I fail, I can blame you for choosing the wrong thing. It makes PERFECT sense!

Here’s the link to my stunning single-question survey:

My life is in your hands. 


Scrunchies Are Back Because I’m the Boss

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I went to CVS yesterday and, of course, found myself looking for things I didn’t need in the makeup and hair aisles. I had combed through mostly everything when some bright, magical colors caught my eye. I squatted down and saw them on a bottom rack: beautiful, glorious scrunchies. I picked up the 4-pack of neon pink, orange, blue, and black scrunchies and stared at them with a giant grin like a psycho.

I needed them.

I bought them.

I own them. 

I made sure my alarm clock from the ’90s was in this picture so the whole photo would feel more authentic. I keep it real.

When I got the goods back home, I suddenly had a moment of clarity. Are scrunchies even cool anymore? I immediately Googled, “Are scrunchies back?” 

The results were inconclusive. It looks like some fashion people tried to force a scrunchie comeback last year, but as far as I know it wasn’t a huge hit because I certainly haven’t seen lots of scrunchies out there. I also live in a small Rhode Island town more known for farming than high fashion, so what the heck do I know?

Forever 21 and American Apparel sell them, so I’m just going to pretend they are truly cool again. If someone tries to hate on my scrunchies I’m going to cite some fake quote from Vogue and be like, “Sorry you feel that way, but Anna Wintour says scrunchies are the ultimate must-have accessory for fashionable millennials across the globe.

All I know is this: When I used to wear scrunchies back in the day, this is how I was attacking my daily life.


Don’t let my abs of steel detract from the real star of the show—the scrunchie I found on the beach, washed off in the water, and then kept and raised as my very own.

556866_10100106809400031_1174234248_nI also made the bold fashion decision at the age of 5 to sport a fierce red scrunchie straight out of the movie Heathers when I went to meet my baby brother for the first time. He was really impressed with my fashion sense and we’ve been cool ever since.

I’m not going to lie—the first voice I heard in my head after buying the scrunchies was that of Ms. Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City. I couldn’t help but remember her verbal lashing of Berger after she read his book and was appalled by the main character’s love of scrunchies.

“No woman who works at W Magazine and lives on Perry Street would be caught dead at a hip downtown restaurant wearing…(in an annoying squeaky voice) a scrunchie!

But ya know what? I don’t work at W Magazine and I don’t live on Perry Street, so I think I get a free pass and that means I can do whatever I want. Or something like that.


I Shaved My Face and I Liked It

I’m kind of hairy.

Like, not super hairy, but above average. I think it’s that sprinkling of Portuguese I got from my dad’s side of the family. It’s also the only reason my scary red burns turn tan in the summer, so I guess those 2 traits cancel each other out.

Anyway, being semi-hairy means that I’ve always had some hair on my face that bothers me. It’s mostly a ton of peach fuzz, but there are some dark stragglers that are pretty impressively hideous. I almost wish I was hairier because I probably would have waxed the shit out of my face a long time ago, but since I’m only partially hairy, I’ve put it off and told myself everything is cool.

And then I saw a magical segment on my favorite show—the TODAY Show, duh—that addressed an age-old question: “Should women shave their faces?” (You can watch the full segment here)

What did I learn?

  • Don’t grab your dude’s razor and shave your precious face. Advocates for female face-shaving recommend using eyebrow razors like these. They’re a lot safer and take it easy on your skin.
  • Some spas actually offer this as a real service. Apparently the little razor gets rid of hair and also exfoliates your face at the same time.
  • Marilyn Monroe and Elizabeth Taylor shaved their faces and they were hot as hell, so don’t hate.
  • The hair doesn’t grow in thicker or darker. That’s a lie.

So basically, I heard lots of reasons why I would want to shave my face and nothing that would make me not want to shave my face. I don’t know if they talked about the less favorable side of face shaving because I didn’t feel like listening and letting that negativity into my life. I needed to get an eyebrow razor and I needed one immediately.

Time to Shave

As I walked into Sally Beauty Supply, an over-eager 50-something woman with a sassy, short bleached hairdo cut me off at the door. I let her go because she obviously had a lot of feelings. She went straight for the eyebrow section, which is of course, where I was headed as well. She looked quickly and when she couldn’t find what she was looking for, she walked over to an associate and asked where the eyebrow razors were. My hairy ears perked up as I realized this woman and I were on the same mission.

I followed her and the sales girl over to another wall where we were assured they had plenty of eyebrow razors. Sadly, there were no eyebrow razors left. The girl couldn’t believe that they had run out so quickly.

“It’s because they were on the TODAY Show this morning. Women shave their face with them,” I proudly proclaimed.

Rue McClanahan shot me one of the best hate stares I’ve ever received. I had humiliated her in front of the tens of people in Sally Beauty Supply. Her secret was out.

She mumbled something and shuffled out of the store faster than she cut me off when we first walked in. She would have to live another day with a hairy face. The horror.

I was fine with what had just transpired and told myself I’d buy some off Amazon when I got home. I went into TJ Maxx to spend my life savings on picture frames and discount hair products instead. However, when I approached the checkout line, I saw them in all their glory: eyebrow razors. ALL FOR ME. 

I snatched those babies up and hurried home to shave my face.

The verdict? It was kind of awesome. 

My face feels smooth as silk (I’m not saying as a baby’s bottom because my face does not poop). Oh, and it’s also not covered in gross hair that, when the sun catches it just right, makes me look like Chewbacca. I am a little concerned I may have missed random patches of hair, but I can live with that. If you’re ever out in public with me and my face hair looks a little patchy, pull me aside and help a girl out. Maybe I will start carrying my face razor with me so I can shave on the fly.

If you’re a girl and you haven’t shaved your face yet, I highly recommend it. Unless you don’t have a problem with hair on your face. In which case, I hate you and shut up.

mArY*s ZoNe Is 1 Year Old!


I don’t want to scare you guys, but I think we might be getting pretty close to the apocalypse. Why? Because I have managed to keep up with a blog for an entire year.

This may not seem like a big deal to people who know how to stick with things, but I’ve left a LONG trail of sad blog carcasses across the Internet. Yes, there was a chunk of time in the middle of the year where I wasn’t writing because I got wrapped up in my new job, BUT I managed to kick my own ass and make myself start blogging again. I consider this a major win.

In celebration of mArY*s ZoNe’s 1st birthday, I combed my site’s analytics and figured out the top 5 blog posts from the past year. These are the blog posts that got the most views from June 10, 2014 until today.

#5. My Husband Hates Me and Is Trying to Starve Me to Death – That time Andy refused to feed me and I almost died.

#4. Texts I Get While I’m Asleep – That time my friend’s kids were creepy as hell.

#3. Fatdance – That time I kept it real about my sweet dance moves and you realized you were ready for this jelly.

#2. Why I Don’t Regret My Ridiculous Tattoo – That time you found out what that Chinese symbol near my butt crack really means.

#1. The Day I Was Emma Stone’s Co-Worker – That time I wrote about being an extra in a Woody Allen movie and then the Providence Journal quoted me in an article about it and then the casting agency called me and yelled at me for writing a blog about it. Also, that time I wasn’t allowed to wear a pink shirt…but everyone else was. Also, that time I wore a wool blazer in July and my back was like a Slip and Slide.

Thank you all for actually reading my crap and I hope you will continue to stick with me (and SHARE! SHARE WITH YOUR FRIENDS! NEED MORE READERS!) for at least another year (don’t worry, you don’t have to sign a contract or anything. Just give me your 1st born or something and we’re cool).

#TBT: A Year Ago Today

I love Facebook’s nifty “On This Day” feature that lets you see what you posted on this day every year since you joined FB. Well, since Facebook invented status updates in like 2008 or 2009 or something (I’m a Facebook OG—October 10, 2004, BIOTCH!). When I looked today, I learned that this what was I was doing 1 year ago:

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On the sad side, we were in Newport Beach, CA for Andy’s grandma’s funeral. On the not sad side, we were in Newport Beach, CA. It was the most beautiful day of all time. Luckily, I am basically doing the same thing RIGHT NOW:


JK!!! This is what working from home looks like. Pictured: Live dog neck rest, coffee mug I got for free at a job I hated 5 years ago, and a notebook I use to keep track of work tasks that I spilled a Jim Beam and Diet Coke on.

Yo, I need more coffee like…now.


PS: I’m going on vacation to California in just about 3 weeks.