I love makeup. I just never wear it.
Buying it, though? Oh, I am awesome at buying makeup. The expensive kind, too. Because it must be better if it costs more, right?
Needless to say, the Kylie Lip Kits have been on my radar for a while. I just never got around to buying one because I kept reading about how they’d sell out within minutes of re-stocking. Makeup is great, but I just don’t have that kind of internal drive when it comes to shopping.
I made the poor decision to download Snapchat recently and basically only follow the Kardashians and Jenners because that is the type of sad life I lead. At first, I could not understand why Kylie is the most followed person on Snapchat. She doesn’t really say or do anything entertaining (except her dogs, I want them all) and she films videos where she stares at the camera, poses, and doesn’t speak. It makes me feel like I’m standing on the other side of her bathroom mirror like a total creep. But she’s really super sly about promoting her makeup line on her Snapchat too — and even though I knew what she was doing, her tricky social media hypnosis worked on me.
Last week, she said she was going to be restocking her store at 12pm. I made a mental note to check it out, but didn’t remember until 1:00 rolled around. I figured that it would all be sold out by then, but I checked anyway — and there were still plenty of treats left. I went into overdrive and searched the Internet to figure out what color lip kit I should buy. I’m not risky, so I settled on Candy K, which looked semi-normal. $37.95 later ($29 for the lip kit + $8.95 shipping), Candy K was mine.
Well, it took a week to get to me. But when I heard the mailman today, I went running outside like a big loser and grabbed that unmarked black box like it was filled with hundred dollar bills. As I walked into the house, the realization washed over me:
“Mary, you’re almost 33 and you work from home. You wear pants with an elastic waist every day and you certainly don’t wear makeup unless you’re going to a wedding. Kylie Jenner is 5 million times cooler than you and so are the hip, Instagramming 20-somethings who buy her products.”
But you know what? Sometimes I see my crazy neighbor who is missing his ears when I go outside. On Thursdays, the lawn guys see me as I scramble to pick up my dog’s poop. And I should really be trying harder to impress my co-worker (my dog) and create a better work environment. So screw it, this is happening.
My stepson’s name is Kyle, so I am totally saving this box and doctoring it for his birthday.
OMG, a personal note from Kylie! It must take so much time for her to write these cute notes for all of her customers. Do you think she really bottled her soul into the lipstick?
I think that person needs to brush her teeth. It looks like she ate dirt.
This is me without makeup. I am incapable of taking a serious picture, so I was physically unable to show you what my lips look like in their natural form.
This was the best I could do. I cropped the rest of my face out because I couldn’t handle it. I have the same exact lips as my dad — small on the top, bigger on the bottom. Now that I think of it, my body shape is like my lips too.
This is after the first step — lining the lips and then filling them in. My face says “Oh no, this stuff is darker than I thought it would be.”
This is after step 2 — covering the lips in the matte lipstick. I kinda think it just looks the same as step 1, but okay. Feelin’ sorta Brenda Walsh-ish. Also, my lips don’t look bigger, but I mentally prepared myself for that.
I look like I’m taking a school picture, but on the plus side, the color makes my teeth look pretty white.
And then I moved into different lighting because that bathroom lighting is cruel. This is by the window. The color kinda reminds me of Body Shop’s Vanilla Stick from the 90s and I can totally get behind something like that.
The lining is sort of obvious in this one…ehh whatever, I do what I want.
Last one, again, in different lighting. I’m so pleased with myself.
Bottom line? The Kylie Lip Kit did not give me Kylie Jenner lips. It’s also darker than I would normally wear, but I am down with pretending I’m from 90210. It also might look better if I actually wore makeup on the rest of my face, too…