The Time I Bought a Doll That Looked Like My Husband

Once upon a time, before my husband was my husband, he was just some dude I was friends with (and was obsessed with, but whatever). In the summer of 2005, my friend Mellissa and I hung out all the time and we’d try to get him to go out with us, but he always had an excuse that generally revolved around his son, his girlfriend, or his job. Boring.

After we asked a million times and got rejected a million times, we were feeling like real losers. However, one day while we were out shopping at a thrift store, we spotted something that would change our lives forever (okay, not really, but bear with me): a doll that looked like Andy. We figured if boring Andy would not hang out with us, we would buy a doll that looked like him, name it Cool Andy Mack, and bring it out with us to bars. Because that is a normal thing to do.

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(BTW the shirt I’m wearing in this picture was the worst. It was the type that you wore a tank top under and then tied the shirt in a knot under your boobs. Good one, Old Navy circa 2005.)

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Real Andy Mack did not smoke cigarettes, but Cool Andy Mack did. Because cigarettes are SO COOL. (Turns out cigarettes were Real Andy Mack’s deal breaker, so I cut that gross shit out really fast when he showed interest in me. “You don’t want me to waste almost $10 a day on a pack of crap that will make my breath stink, my clothes smell, and kill me? Okay, cool, deal!”) Seriously, though, I loved smoking. Okay, let’s move on.

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Cool Andy Mack even hung out in the Women’s bathroom before Caitlyn Jenner made it a thing.

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Cool Andy Mack didn’t just drink — he drank beers two times the size of his body.

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Cool Andy Mack made new friends wherever he went.

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And best of all, Cool Andy Mack loved hanging out with me. We had lots of long talks and made each other laugh…even though he wore weird ugly shoes that looked like Herman Munster’s shoes dipped in peanut butter.

Eventually, Real Andy Mack came to his senses and started hanging out with us more, but I will never forget Cool Andy Mack and the fun times we had. I think he lives in a plastic storage bin in my closet now, but I have no doubt he’s happy and having a great time.