I nodded off during Star Wars and I don’t even feel bad about it

Star Wars Force Awakens SucksAndy is obsessed with movies. I mean, don’t get me wrong — I love movies. But Andy is obsessed with them. Our middle ground genre is comedy because we laugh at all the same ridiculous crap, but then we kind of break off into our own things.

I like really depressing, wrist-slitting dramas, super weird dark comedies, and truly horrible movies that are amazing because they are so bad — you know what I’m talking about. Like, Crossroads and From Justin to Kellythose movies.

Andy loves every dude movie with an insane budget. If a film includes any of the following things, he will mark the opening night on his calendar and talk about it incessantly until he finally sees it:

  • Superheroes
  • Robots
  • Dinosaurs
  • Aliens
  • Big explosions
  • Hand-to-hand combat
  • Guns
  • Magic
  • Outer space
  • Fantasy lands

My stepson is exactly the same as Andy when it comes to movies, which means I am grossly outnumbered always. There are plenty of movies I want to see, but I’m never as passionate about them as Andy is about his films, so I usually only end up at the movies if he convinces me to go.

Sometimes, I am pleasantly surprised (Hunger Games). Sometimes, I absolutely refuse to go (Pacific Rim…are you fucking (excuse my French) kidding me?) And sometimes, I fall asleep for brief periods of time…like yesterday, at Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

I tried. I really did. Andy has been laid up for 2 weeks after surgery on his Achilles tendon and he was soooo excited to get out of the house and see this dumb Star Wars movie (the movie came out 1 day after his surgery). I agreed to see it for the following reasons:

  1. He invited our friends and I like them
  2. He can’t drive right now
  3. I like sitting in the new fancy plush reclining seats at the movie theater
  4. The possibility of purchasing and eating candy
  5. The promise of going out to lunch afterwards
  6. I was bored

I saw the original Star Wars movies when I was younger, but I remember next to nothing about them. I have never had any strong feelings about the entire Star Wars franchise. I don’t hate Star Wars, but I also don’t really give any shits about it either. It’s placed in the “Meh” category for me. Star Wars: The Force Awakens just reinforced all those feelings and I can’t even pretend to feel bad about it. I just don’t care.

I tried to stay awake through the whole movie, but those new reclining movie seats are really comfortable — that, coupled with using my coat as a blanket…I couldn’t help but nod off a couple times. Sleeping was the best part of the movie.

Oh! I liked one part of the film. When that girl who looks like Kendall Jenner and Keira Knightly had a baby slides down a GIANT hill of sand. It looked really fun and I was jealous that I don’t live near giant hills of sand like she does.

Chewbacca is also still cool. He lives my dream life. He’s covered head-to-toe in body hair, makes weird sounds, and shoots people. That is boss.

I (stupidly) also thought that Star Wars: The Force Awakens was the very last Star Wars movie. This was the end. I thought I would humor Andy, be nice, and see the last film. He told me later, however, that oh, no, no, no…there will be several more still. SEVERAL more.

This is the part of the story where I jump off the “good wife” train and head into the station. I can guarantee that whenever these new Star Wars movies are released, I will opt to sleep in the comfort of my own bed rather than paying $10 to sleep in a theater. I’ll even take myself out to lunch afterwards.


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