Don’t Wake Mary

I’ve always been a morning person, but I am horrible at waking up — if that makes any sense.

It’s those 1-2 minutes following my alarm that are the worst. I lay there and I am immediately so angry that I am awake. Irrationally angry. When I was in high school, I remember crying for a solid 30 seconds upon waking up…but then less than a minute later, I was up and walking around like everything was fine and I hadn’t just been sobbing like an idiot.

In Kindergarten, my poor teacher had it really bad when she would try to wake me up at the end of nap time. One day, I actually punched her in the face. I PUNCHED MY TEACHER IN THE FACE. That resulted in a traumatic meeting with my mom who tried to make me apologize to my teacher. I don’t know if the apology ever happened — I just remember crying uncontrollably, confused as to how the monster inside me woke up and beat the shit out of my Kindergarten teacher.

Fast forward to last night, when I fell asleep on the couch. Andy was ignoring me, the dog was ignoring me, and there was football on the TV. It was a perfect storm for instant slumber.

I was suddenly woken up by the sound of Andy laughing. I was instantly furious. I saw him looking down at Facebook on his phone, and then he turned to look at me. He laughed more, and then turned back to his phone. In that moment, I KNEW what he had done. I just felt it radiating from his stupid face.

“I HATE YOU!” I yelled.

“What? How do you even know what I did?” he asked.

“YOU TOOK A PICTURE OF ME SLEEPING AND PUT IT ON FACEBOOK. I KNOW IT. I HATE YOU.

Then, I put my head inside my fully-zipped fleece vest and started sobbing. Because I’m awesome.

“Are you seriously crying?” Andy asked as he laughed and tried to get me to look at him.

“YES YOU ARE SO MEAN AND THAT WAS NOT NICE AND I PROBABLY LOOK SO GROSS.”

I jumped off the couch, ran upstairs, and got into bed. A few minutes had passed by this point and I was starting to snap out of the hateful post-wakeup fog. I realized I might have acted crazy.

I picked up my phone and clicked on Facebook to assess the damage. This is what I saw:

Screen Shot 2015-10-09 at 10.33.04 AM

Okay. I had to laugh. Crap.

I went to sleep after that, knowing I had been a douche lord. I didn’t even apologize to Andy this morning because I am stubborn and awful and frankly, was embarrassed that I freaked out so hard.

So, I will say this now: Sorry, Andy. That picture was sort of funny. But we’ve been together almost 10 years now and if you haven’t figured out how much I hate getting woken up, then you are really really slow and special. If you wake me up again, I cannot guarantee that I won’t punch you in the face like you’re my Kindergarten teacher.

You’ve been warned.

 

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