In the dark and can’t flush 

You know what’s good for making you blog? A power outage.

Some stupid storm decided to rumble through my town at 6:45 this morning. As I listened to the thunder and pouring rain, I heard the air conditioning make a sad “shitting the bed” sound and I knew it was all over. We’ve been doing good power-wise for a while (we didn’t lose it once during the snowiest winter to ever exist this year) but apparently one pathetic rain storm was enough to do it. 

Strangely enough, part of my kitchen still has power. That means I can plug my phone in (PRAISE JESUS) and my fridge filled with food is safe and sound (I ALREADY SAID PRAISE JESUS, BUT FOR REAL, PRAISE JESUS).

My biggest emotional roller coaster this morning went a little something like this:

Me, while laying in bed: OH NO, THIS MEANS NO COFFEE!

Me, upon entering the kitchen and seeing the coffee pot clock on: YES! POWER! I CAN MAKE COFFEE!

Me, upon realizing we have well water and when the power goes out, the water is gone too: I HATE MY NON-CAFFEINATED LIFE. I THINK MY WITHDRAWL HEADACHE IS ALREADY SETTING IN. I WONDER IF I CAN EAT WHOLE COFFEE BEANS FOR BREAKFAST. 

My smart, handsome husband: Mary, there’s an entire pitcher of iced coffee in the fridge…

Me, drinking my iced coffee: I CAN CONQUER THE WORLD.

Speaking of coffee, I have also already broken the cardinal rule of our household during power outages: poop in the upstairs bathroom, pee in the downstairs bathroom. Because, ya know, we aren’t able to flush the toilets. Mehhh, when you gotta go, you gotta go. Coffee poops don’t do stairs.

I have some actual grown up work to do today, so right now I’m weighing my options. What’s my cut off point for waiting for the power to come on? When do I leave the house? And when I leave, where will I go? Shall I set up shop with the sex offenders at the public library? Or maybe go to Panera where I can enjoy the company of a Fuji Apple Chicken Salad with no pecans or tomatoes? The world is my oyster of wireless Internet. Getting dressed and leaving the house is the hardest part.

I’m just really happy I’m not working at Ben & Jerry’s anymore. I hated working when the power went out because some douche lord would inevitably come inside and say “So, are you going to start giving free ice cream away if the power doesn’t come back on?” 

No, no free ice cream. At least not for you. If anyone is going to get free ice cream it’s ME, so go away and leave my Phish Food alone. 

By the way, I just typed and posted this entire blog post from my phone. I’ve got one word for you: SKILLZ. 

UPDATE: Officially lost ALL power, including in the kitchen. Only had 1 coffee at home and needed to find more before my brain shut down. I’ve set up shop at the Barnes and Noble Starbucks and all is right with the world again. This giant coffee is my new best friend:  

 I kind of love that feeling where you’ve had so much coffee and you’re not sure if you’ll ever blink again. 

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