The results are in…

First of all, thank you to the 93 people who gave enough craps to take my little survey a few days ago. I really appreciate your help because I’m too stuck in my own head to make decisions.

When it came to the responses, it is clear there was an overwhelming favorite (THANK YOU, because if there had been a 3 way tie I probably would have ripped my face off).

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Hooray! A memoir-style book of humorous essays wins. 

My one surprise was that the film and TV scripts ended up with the same number of votes. In the beginning of the survey, the film script had way more votes, but in the last hours of the survey, the TV script really pulled ahead.

BONUS: Best survey comment goes to Erika. (Don’t worry, the survey was totally anonymous. I just talked to Erika after she did the survey and she was very proud of herself—and rightfully so.)

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I think she’s on to something big. I told her if I did a book about poops I would name one after her. It’s the least I can do.

Finally, there was one other comment (I don’t know who this one is from) that made me smile:

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More blog posts? You got it, dude.


Crowdsourcing My Life

I was a freelance writer for 2 years, went to work at an ad agency for the last 9 months, and then decided to go back to freelancing. I missed being the boss of myself. This has been my first week full time freelancing again and I’m definitely happy with my decision.

One big reason I chose to live the freelance lifestyle again is because I wanted more time to write the funny things I want to write, that I’ve been meaning to write for a long time (but haven’t because I’m great at making excuses). Now that I’m in charge of my work schedule, I want to choose one main personal project to work on and incorporate into my daily life.

There’s a problem, though. I’m really bad at making decisions. Like, awful.

So, like a true millennial, I am crowdsourcing my next move. I want you to choose what type of project I am going to tackle first. That way, if I fail, I can blame you for choosing the wrong thing. It makes PERFECT sense!

Here’s the link to my stunning single-question survey:

My life is in your hands. 


Scrunchies Are Back Because I’m the Boss

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I went to CVS yesterday and, of course, found myself looking for things I didn’t need in the makeup and hair aisles. I had combed through mostly everything when some bright, magical colors caught my eye. I squatted down and saw them on a bottom rack: beautiful, glorious scrunchies. I picked up the 4-pack of neon pink, orange, blue, and black scrunchies and stared at them with a giant grin like a psycho.

I needed them.

I bought them.

I own them. 

I made sure my alarm clock from the ’90s was in this picture so the whole photo would feel more authentic. I keep it real.

When I got the goods back home, I suddenly had a moment of clarity. Are scrunchies even cool anymore? I immediately Googled, “Are scrunchies back?” 

The results were inconclusive. It looks like some fashion people tried to force a scrunchie comeback last year, but as far as I know it wasn’t a huge hit because I certainly haven’t seen lots of scrunchies out there. I also live in a small Rhode Island town more known for farming than high fashion, so what the heck do I know?

Forever 21 and American Apparel sell them, so I’m just going to pretend they are truly cool again. If someone tries to hate on my scrunchies I’m going to cite some fake quote from Vogue and be like, “Sorry you feel that way, but Anna Wintour says scrunchies are the ultimate must-have accessory for fashionable millennials across the globe.

All I know is this: When I used to wear scrunchies back in the day, this is how I was attacking my daily life.


Don’t let my abs of steel detract from the real star of the show—the scrunchie I found on the beach, washed off in the water, and then kept and raised as my very own.

556866_10100106809400031_1174234248_nI also made the bold fashion decision at the age of 5 to sport a fierce red scrunchie straight out of the movie Heathers when I went to meet my baby brother for the first time. He was really impressed with my fashion sense and we’ve been cool ever since.

I’m not going to lie—the first voice I heard in my head after buying the scrunchies was that of Ms. Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City. I couldn’t help but remember her verbal lashing of Berger after she read his book and was appalled by the main character’s love of scrunchies.

“No woman who works at W Magazine and lives on Perry Street would be caught dead at a hip downtown restaurant wearing…(in an annoying squeaky voice) a scrunchie!

But ya know what? I don’t work at W Magazine and I don’t live on Perry Street, so I think I get a free pass and that means I can do whatever I want. Or something like that.