I just took a journey over to the social media wasteland known as “Myspace” and it was…interesting.
My page is this weird memorial to the early 20s version of me. Yes, I had to close my eyes and cringe a few times.
First of all, they completely changed the layout and it doesn’t even look like Myspace anymore. My profile use to have this sweet gun-themed background and my headline quote said “I have AIDS.” Those are all gone now. Actually, everything from my profile is gone except for all of the pictures I uploaded.
Good God, those effing pictures.
They’re all me after I lost 83lbs and thought I was so awesome. There are only a few photos of “Fat Mary” and I posted them to make fun of myself. I wish I could travel back to 2007 and bitch slap myself and be like, “Hi asshole! I’m you 8 years from now and I’m even fatter than the “Fat Mary” you’re making fun of. Shut up and just enjoy the limited months you have left wearing a size 8.”
Okay, I’m not really in the mood to get all philosophical about weight loss, so I’m going to do a total 180 and share the pictures from my Myspace that I forgot existed and particularly enjoyed:
This is from November 2006 when we were in California for Andy’s cousin’s wedding. Kyle was playing in the hot tub and Andy and I were sitting at a table watching him. The hot tub had an elevated seating ledge around the circumference, and then it went deeper in the middle. Kyle was walking around the ledge because he was 5 and too small to stand in the center. Andy went inside for 2 seconds and left me on lifeguard patrol, which of course meant that over the course of those 2 seconds, Kyle fell into the center of the hot tub and I could not reach him from dry ground. I had the distinct pleasure of jumping in fully clothed to rescue my future stepson. If he’s ever mean to me when he gets older I am going to show him this picture and remind him of the day I SAVED HIS LIFE.
I don’t always save the lives of small children. Sometimes I have picnics with them and hold guns to their heads. Don’t worry, James the Baby survived this assassination attempt and has grown into a fine young man who thinks highly of me. He introduced me to this TOTALLY inappropriate rap song this week (I legit laughed uncontrollably when those horrific lyrics started playing from his phone): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZaJYDPY-YQ
Andy used to be a middle school teacher and he sent me a picture of this poem, claiming that one of his students wrote it. I thought it was hilarious and could not believe a kid would hand that in at school. Andy could not believe I thought it was real. He had to come clean eventually and tell me it was a joke and that he made it. He’s so talented.
I encourage you to go look at your old Myspace profile. It will make you cringe, but that’s the fun part. Choose your weirdest/ugliest/funniest picture and post it on my Facebook page
so I can laugh at you.