Things psychos do

My work has lots of free pens, but I couldn’t bear the thought of writing with them. I bought my own variety pack of the only type of pen I will use and I carry it to and from work EVERY day so that I can keep track of them at all times and no one can snatch them from my desk. I also choose my pen color each day based on my mood. My favorite 2 pens are the black and pink ones.

I have friends, I swear.


My palm’s dirty little simian secret

There was a point in high school where I was interested in palm reading. I wanted to try to read my own palm, so I hit up Google (actually, it was probably Yahoo or AOL or Dogpile or some other dumb search engine I would have used at the turn of the new millennium). I realized that the lines on my left hand matched up with normal palm reading stuff (a distinct head line and heart line), but my right hand looked…messed up. There was no head line or heart line — they just mushed together into one long straight line across my palm.

I searched, “Why is there a straight line across my palm?

Answer? I have a Simian line. 

Right hand Simian line

It got its name because APES have lines across their palms. Oh, and Simian lines are super common in people who have Down syndrome. Yeah, you can imagine how excited I was to read more about my cool right hand.

I read a million different things about it, but people with Simian lines are usually really intense and have trouble separating thoughts and feelings. They all just crash together. We’re also supposed to be really lucky or really unlucky. I like to think I’m really lucky, but now that I’ve said that my head is probably going to fall off, I’m going to be on the news, and they are going to quote this very blog where I said I was lucky.

Best thing I found about Simian lines said:

“They believe the simian line gives the ability to focus on one thing, absolutely, to the exclusion of all else. It is believed that these people generally achieve and accomplish far more than most, developing techniques and inventions that will last for generations.” 


Yo, palm reading people! Read my palm and tell me more about Simian lines. The Internet isn’t really that helpful on this one. I just keep finding really old ugly websites and I can’t concentrate when I’m on an ugly website.

OH! There was, however, one very important thing I found out about Simian lines during my haphazard online research: CELEBZ WITH SIMIAN LINES!

  • Hillary Clinton
  • Tony Blair
  • Robert DeNiro
  • Rainn Wilson
  • Thom Yorke



Simian Sisters. That has a nice ring to it. I think it will be the name of our first song together.

Nailed my LinkedIn profile.

I was looking at my LinkedIn profile and started to get an anxiety attack due to how OMGKILLMEBORING it was. It seriously hurts my heart that we have to pretend to be shitty to get jobs.

I took one small step toward adding a little personality to it because I need to face myself in the mirror every day. I didn’t want to get too crazy right off the bat, so this is my personal test to see if more people talk to me and/or look at my profile on LinkedIn.

Funny LinkedIn Profile

The rest of my profile is pretty boring, but you can see it here if you’re feeling extra stalkerish today (don’t worry, I feel that way 24/7):

The Mary and Kenny Show

I got bored during a Walking Dead commercial break last night, so I started taking pictures with my handsome furry child, Kenny. He was sleeping, but he was totes cool with it. 

Kyle: “Mary, are you taking pictures with Kenny??”

Mary: “Obviously.”

Kyle: “Take a picture of me and dad!”

Mary: “No, thank you.”

Kyle: “Come on, take our picture!”

Mary: “Happy?”

Kyle: “We look gross!”

Kyle: “When you die, there’s going to be a slideshow of pictures at your funeral and your family won’t be in any of those pictures. It’s just going to be you and Kenny, isn’t it?”

Mary: “Yup! FYI if I die, go in the Photo Booth on my Mac because there are like 250 pictures of just me and Kenny through the years. They’re really great.”

Kyle: “Oh my God, what is wrong with you?”

Kenny woke up and was like “WTF IS HAPPENING TO ME?!”

Kenny: “Oh, my crazy mom is just taking pictures with me again. I’m going to open my eyes for a picture so she’s satisfied and leaves me alone.”

Will I cry?

I have a dentist appointment today. A small piece of a filling came out, or I chipped a small piece of my tooth…they couldn’t tell at first glance because both the filling and tooth are white. That is what I get for being a baller and paying for the white filling — if I ever have to do this again, I am just getting the silver filling because screw it, I’m cheap.

This filling fell out once before, so I’m guessing it’s a problem with the filling and not my perfect tooth. It came out on my honeymoon when we found a candy store on our cruise ship and ate 5 pounds of chewy candy. (Side Note: When I went to the dentist last week for my cleaning, the dental hygienist asked me if I had burned my mouth on something. I had to tell the truth that the day before I had eaten Sour Patch Kids and then washed them down with salt and vinegar chips. Apparently that messes up your mouth…so don’t do that.)

Anyway, this finally brings me to the point of this post: I want to see who thinks I am going to cry at the dentist today. I cried last time because I had to get 3 novocaine shots in my poor innocent mouth and IT HURT SO BAD. I was so embarrassed for myself because it is against my religion to cry when getting shots, but dammit, it was in MY MOUTH.

So, go to the Comments section of this post and place your bet as to whether or not I will cry like a baby at the dentist. I promise to be honest when I get back and will come clean as to what actually happened. I will publicly praise the people who correctly guessed because everyone needs a little positive reinforcement in their lives and if you’re lucky, you will gain immense fame after my tens of readers learn of your accomplishment.

I’m no fashion blogger, BUT…

Today was one of those mornings where not only could I not be bothered to put my contacts in, I also couldn’t be bothered to take my hair out of the bun I wore to bed and run a brush through it. That shit is hard.

I know you have mornings like this too, so here is my super amazing fashion advice so you still show up to work looking fierce: put on shiny fake diamond earrings. They will detract from your Quasimodoness and people will think you are mad rich and fashionable.

You’re welcome. I’m hoping this post will get me Kelly Osbourne’s vacant seat on E!’s Fashion Police. I think I nailed it.