How Can Winter Be so Cold if It Was Created in Hell?

Why do people voluntarily live in New England in the winter?

I understand the other seasons — the beaches are awesome in the summer, there’s this weird excitement in the air during spring when people emerge from their frozen cocoons/women start regularly shaving their legs again, and fall is just…oh my god, I would marry it if I could. I think no one should get married until it’s legal for people to marry  seasons. (I call fall, so don’t even try it.)

But WINTER? It is the worst thing ever. It’s not so bad when you’re a kid because you get snow days once in a while, but now technology is ruining lives because some adults are forced to work from home on snow days (me). And the days you actually have to drive to work? Forget about it.

Take this morning, for example: [I’m bitching about this here because I don’t want my Facebook friends to think I’m a complainer. I don’t care if you think I’m a complainer, though.]

After waking up at 4:30AM, I went out to my car at 5:18 to begin the defrosting process. I chipped away at the sheet of ice for a solid 20 minutes. Only one of my doors would open, and no, it wasn’t the driver’s door.

When I was nearing the 20 minute mark, I crawled in to put my keys in the ignition because I didn’t want my automatic starter to turn off. I got back out of the car to finish freeing it from it’s ice coffin and FINALLY it was time to start driving.

Except I couldn’t drive yet because I locked my keys in the car with the car running. My bag was also in the car, with my cell phone in it. I stood outside my front door quietly tapping and whisper yelling “ANDY!” Thank god my dog can hear an ant fart, because within seconds he was downstairs sounding the bark alarm. Andy appeared a minute later and, bless his heart, he unlocked the car for me. He also probably wanted me to die, but I can deal with that.

I got back out there and the door on the driver’s side was still frozen. Cool. I climbed in through the passenger seat and started my 56 mile journey. Because that is obviously what I wanted to be doing at 5:30 in the morning.

I will say one positive thing: traffic wasn’t bad. That was nice. However, my trouble began when I ran out of windshield wiper fluid and every car on the highway felt like kicking up dirt onto it. I tried my wipers, but they were so sad, frozen, and useless and I imagined they were saying “FU-UUU-UUU-CCKK-KKK” as they slowly moved across the glass. My windshield grew darker and darker as I drove, and my only saving grace was that the sun started coming up toward the last part of my commute and gave me a little light. I thought about pulling an Ace Ventura and sticking my head out the window, but dude, it’s WINTER.

[What if I carried a thing of Windex in my car for the next time this happens? Do you think it would work? I’d roll the window down while driving, stick my arm out, spray the Windex on the windshield and then run my wipers. No? Yes?]

I’m pretty sure I have scoliosis now because in order to see, I had to completely hunch over the steering wheel and look out this one tiny patch of glass that was spared from the dirt trolls.

This is me driving this morning. I am thrilled.

This is me driving this morning. I am thrilled.

Side note: Remember the scoliosis tests in gym class??? Those were SO TRAUMATIZING for me. I would legitimately make sure I was out “sick” from school on those days because the idea of bending over, lifting the back of my shirt up, and letting the school nurse see the straps of my little middle school training bra was too much to bear.

Okay, so I was legit 3 exits away from my job and patting myself on the back for making it with a blacked out windshield, when GOD HIMSELF/HERSELF intervened. As I switched lanes, TONS of crap got kicked up on my windshield and I could not see ANYTHING anymore. I couldn’t pull over because that part of the highway had just opened the breakdown lane for travel. I yelled “Oh god! HELP ME LORD! HELP ME LORD!” because that’s what I do, OK? And suddenly some angel Jesus car splashed water on my windshield and cleared everything off. It was miraculous. I’m gonna thank my dead grandma MJ for that one because even when she was alive, she had MAJOR street cred with the Lord (not Disick).

I finally made it to work and felt really proud of myself. I went to get out of my car and — surprise! — that bitch was still frozen shut after more than 90 minutes. I thought about climbing over the back seat again, but then I got a second wind and karate chopped my way out of that door instead.

That’s it. I have no idea how to end this story. I’m going to the cafeteria now to get oatmeal for $1.58 because why would I ever bring my own giant container of oatmeal to keep at work and potentially save hundreds of dollars?

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3 thoughts on “How Can Winter Be so Cold if It Was Created in Hell?

  1. I totally keep Windex in the car for incidents just like this. One time I was driving & at a stop light, got out, threw the entire thing of Windex on it, and then drove after windshield wiping. Whatever works!
    Also this a great reminder to me to buy more windshield wash…..

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