Trollie Tuesday

I did the unthinkable last week: I forgot Trollie Tuesday. Actually, I didn’t really forget Trollie Tuesday…I just got lazy. Really, really lazy. Don’t worry, though; the universe paid me back nicely the very next day. Last Wednesday, some “BuzzFeed Contributor” named Kayla Yandoli published an article called “Send Us Your Ugly Troll Face and We’ll Illustrate It.” The article did not completely copy trollies because while a true trollie is taken in the dark with a bright flash, Kayla’s version is just ugly selfies that an artist then illustrated. I was more taken aback by the “troll” wording and her little sub-heading “Time to get trolly!” I’d link to the article so y’all can see it, but I’d prefer not to give it more Internet traffic than it has already received. I’m bitter like that.

In honor of the hate I feel, I took a special trollie just for BuzzFeed:

Middle finger trollie

I like to think that my diamond ring offsets my messed up hair and eyebrows. Not even the most beautiful of diamonds, however, can offset what is happening with my face.

ANYWAY. On to the REAL Trollie Tuesday!

Jack_Trollie

Being a good parent is…putting your child in a dark room, flashing a bright light in their face, and then submitting their picture to a D-list blog for all the world to see. I love it.

Meet Jack, the most adorable 1 year old I know…even when he’s got mad trollie face going on.

Want to be featured in an upcoming Trollie Tuesday? Send your best trollie to me at marymack98@gmail.com

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Trollie Tuesday

Thank goodness for Trollie Tuesday because I’m clearly awful at posting during the rest of the week. How do people with blogs post all the time? Do they really have that much to say? Maybe one day I will make a content calendar for this bad boy…until then, Trollie Tuesday is my saving grace. It also gives me something to do today while I stay FAR away from Facebook while the masses mourn Robin Williams. It’s not as intolerable as when Maya Angelou died, but I think I will go into hiding anyway. Before I tell you about today’s trollie, I have to throw in a disclaimer: it is not technically a “real” trollie. A true trollie is taken in the dark and you’re supposed to use your flash and make an awful face. This trollie meets 2 out of 3 of the requirements because it is in the dark and she definitely made an awful face. There is a really bright street light behind her though, so I am going to pretend it is a flash and we are all going to deal with it. ANYWAY. This is Sue Ellen. I was so happy to get a trollie from her because she is the queen of regular selfies and her hair and makeup are always on point. Just standing next to her makes me feel like a troll. Sue Ellen CollageSee what I mean? So when I had an e-mail filled with hideous pictures of her, I was so excited. The only thing better than ugly people being ugly is pretty people being ugly. Sue Ellen TrollieOkay, good looking people: the flood gates have been opened. Sue Ellen is a trailblazer and she is now making it acceptable for you to look ugly on the Internet. Come on, you can do it…anyone can take a selfie, but only awesome people take trollies. Send YOUR best trollies to marymack98@gmail.com  

Trollie Tuesday

I should guilt trip people more often. Within 10 minutes of posting on Facebook about how Trollie Tuesday was canceled this week due to lack of trollies, I got a SWEET trollie from my friend Kristin.

Screen Shot 2014-08-05 at 4.30.22 PMKristin is a trooper and a real friend and you should all thank her for sacrificing her dignity and taking a butt ugly picture in the dark for you.

Kristin - Trollie TuesdayI like the laundry in the background. It’s gives this trollie a certain je ne sais quoi.

Screen Shot 2014-08-05 at 4.38.15 PMThank you, Kristin. We shall.

Okay, y’all need to get on the ball and send in your trollies. I want some real doozies to choose from for next week, so stop playing Candy Crush and go take a trollie! The only requirements are:

1) Turn your camera flash ON

2) Go into a pitch black room

3) Make a horrific face that could potentially make others go blind if they see it

4) Take the picture

5) E-mail it to marymack98@gmail.com IMMEDIATELY

Queen of the Angry Nanas

I am only 30 and I think I am already queen of the angry nanas.

The area I live in is really quiet – like, really quiet. I have gradually become very used to that quiet and get angry when it is interrupted by the sound of laughing children. Who are these children to laugh outside my house while they are playing? Don’t they have iPhones to tinker with inside or something?

I live in a townhouse that is flanked by three other identical townhouses on each side. I’m the monkey in the middle. We all share a ginormous backyard that my husband and stepson love to use for playing catch, football, or whatever else boys do while they aren’t annoying me. They can make all the noise they want out there and it doesn’t bother me, but as soon as I hear the voice of other people back there, I immediately go into hermit mode.

A couple recently moved in a few houses down and they have two little boys that are back there all the time. They are adorable and stuff, but if they see me, they will yell “Hi!” and then try to come talk to my dog or something. I am not in the mood to talk to a little kid. If I was, I would have one. To avoid said children, I bring my dog out to go the bathroom in front of the house instead of the back just so I will not have to talk to anyone.

My retiree next door neighbors are wonderful because they are a) living in Florida for over half the year and b) totally silent and hate saying hello to me. Unfortunately, someone thought it was a good idea for the grandkids to pay a visit this week. Suddenly I have been hearing even more kids outside my house and my anger level has risen. For example, I just walked into my bedroom, opened the windows, and sat down at my desk to write this blog. Then, I heard a child laugh. I immediately got up, shut the windows and turned my AC on. Looks like I’d rather listen to a loud whirring sound over my head than a child having fun. Oh, and yesterday when I went to get my mail, they were standing in front of my mailbox playing. How dare they.

My immediate solution to this problem is to finally break down and get a big curtain for my sliding glass door that leads to the backyard. I probably should have bought one two years ago when we moved in here, especially because at night time I always imagine murderers are standing in my backyard staring into my house, but I think it’s definitely time to make it happen.

I’m thinking this might be less about me getting old and more about hating surprises. For my first three semesters of college, I lived in the Bronx. I used to hear the ice cream man at 2AM and gun shots in the middle of the afternoon. None of this surprised me and it didn’t bother me because frankly, that’s what I would expect from the Bronx. My senior year of college, my bedroom window in Boston was mere feet from the T. This didn’t bother me either because when I signed my lease, I knew there were T tracks outside my apartment. Duh. However now, living in this scary quiet country setting, I expect to hear nothing. I don’t even want to hear breathing (well, except my own. That’s always a good thing.)

At least I will always be able to count on the people across the street to be quiet and leave me alone. Shout out to my homies from Rhode Island Historical Cemetery #39 in Tiverton! HOLLA.