Today I made the very adult decision to wear – and reapply – sunscreen. I felt proud and sad at the same time. Proud that I was being a grown up and not trying to burn myself to a crisp; sad that I was being a grown up and not trying to burn myself to a crisp.
But then something weird happened…
I GOT TAN.
For my entire life, I convinced myself that I needed to burn first, and then it would become tan after a while. No one ever told me that if I wore sunscreen, I could almost completely bypass the red horror of a sunburn and get straight to the bronzed good stuff. WHY DOESN’T ANYONE TELL ME ANYTHING?!
In the back of my mind, I know this is still not necessarily a good thing. I wore sunscreen to try and avoid the mass quantities of melanoma that are undoubtedly going to ravage my skin in the coming years…not to get tan. And I know that getting a tan, even if you’re wearing sunscreen, means that your skin got damaged. But come on…this is a baby step. Maybe when I’m 40 I will get a fancy floppy hat with a wide brim and wear long sleeves at the beach, but right now, the fact that I wore sunscreen is a damn miracle.
OH, and you know what else I’m doing when I turn 40? Botox. Can’t wait. First order of business is the scary deep wrinkle I have between my eyebrows…
Side by side comparison between my sun damaged skin and a baby’s skin. I think he likes my deep eyebrow wrinkle. Botox will like it more on my 40th birthday.
Don’t worry, I’m not going to Botox my whole face. Just the eyebrow wrinkle. I plan on aging gracefully without that freak of nature staring at me.
Okay, I need to get real with my peeps out there in cyber space who work from home.
I do a decent job in the morning of getting upstairs by 9am to do work, and then around 12:30, I come downstairs for my lunch and to watch some TV. I almost always turn on E! News, which at 1:00, becomes episodes of Sex and the City. This is where the trouble begins. As soon as I hear that catchy little theme song that doesn’t even have any words, I’m done for. I can sit there for hours and watch these women talk about grey pubes and impotent husbands.
And the worst part? I DON’T EVEN LIKE ANY OF THEM.
These aren’t the girlfriends I wish I had. They’re the women I want to strangle. Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda all have so many issues that I feel like they’d all be better off chopping their own heads off with dull butter knives. Seriously, Miranda scored a date with this hot cop who for some insane reason, felt her Chucky doll-like appeal was attractive. At dinner, she realized all the other women in the restaurant were looking at his hotness and instead of feeling awesome about herself, she got self conscious and drank a billion vodka martinis. Then the good looking cop dumped her because she was a waste case and he thought she needed AA.
Good one, Miranda.
They ALL do stuff like that, though. Every time Carrie freaks out on adorable Aidan, Charlotte thinks precious Harry does something gross, or Samantha opens her legs – again – I want to reach through the TV and shake them all into oblivion. The daddy issues on this show are amazing.
Okay, time to reel this back in…
I have two questions for you guys:
1) What is the most infuriating thing you’ve seen one of the women on SATC do?
2) How can I break the cycle? I need to dump these women and gain control of my afternoons again.
Unless you live under a rock, you know what a selfie is.
Well, I like to take selfies that do look like I live under a rock. Except they’re called trollies.
They’re called trollies because they’re selfies you take in the dark with the flash on. The goal? To make the ugliest face possible so you look like a gross troll…which isn’t really hard when you combine a dark room and a bright flash.
I’m going to post a trollie every Tuesday (I have an extensive collection), but if you take a trollie you are extremely proud of and wanted to be featured on Trollie Tuesday, please feel free to send it over to me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Yes, I am wearing a sleep mask that I got for free on a Jet Blue red eye flight.
EDIT: My husband’s feelings were really hurt when he saw this post because I did not mention him at all. He is a big baby. So, I just want you all to know that Andy and I created trollies together while lying in bed one night. It wasn’t all me – it was also my attractive, hilarious, intelligent man friend. Happy now, Andy? For real, look at what he was saying to me on Facebook chat:
I was watching TV with my husband, Andy, and we paused it for a second. It just so happened that the screen looked like THAT when we hit the pause button. Of course, that resulted in pictures being taken and laughing at that woman’s poor, unfortunate one-eyed blink (in most cases that would be called a wink, but seriously, that is NOT a wink). Now when we are texting each other and someone either a) doesn’t know how to respond or b) thinks what the other person said was stupid, we’ll just text this picture instead.
I also find that it is fun to use on Facebook when appropriate. For example, I have a friend (who I actually really, really like…which is why I blacked her name and picture out) that posted a mushy love status about her boyfriend. I’m kinda weird about love stuff, so instead of congratulating her on on 6 month anniversary, I congratulated her with pretty blinking lady:
Now that you know the secret to effective digital communication, I encourage you to save this photo and use it however you see fit. Looking at the bigger picture, I see this being our nation’s answer to receiving dick pics.
I’ve been trying to start this blog for like, 500 years.
But, I was doing what I do in most situations – horribly overthinking it. Most blogs seem to have some sort of niche, like mommy blogs, weight loss blogs or blogs run by entrepreneurs who are way too scary passionate about weird business stuff.
I can’t even decide what to eat on a regular basis, so clearly choosing a “theme” for this blog became far too much for me to handle.
That is when I remembered my very first website I made back in middle school called mArY*s ZoNe (give me a break – it was 1996 and I was obsessed with the dELiA*s catalogue). mArY*s ZoNe was a hot ADHD mess and was just one long, giant homepage with no sub-pages whatsoever. You would just scroll and scroll forever and read the incoherent ramblings of an 8th grader, while also going partially blind because of the blinking, moving unicorn graphics. Needless to say, it was pretty great.
People in my middle school thought mArY*s ZoNe was rad, but when I pulled it up on the computer in my 9th grade biology class, my classmates weren’t as impressed anymore. I let mArY*s ZoNe disappear into the black hole that is the Internet and shamefully, cannot even remember the URL. It was one of those Angelfire or Geocities websites and I have failed at finding it using the Wayback Machine. If you can find the original mArY*s ZoNe for me I will be forever indebted to you and also send you an official certificate honoring the fact that you have won the Internet.
ANYWAY, once mArY*s ZoNe popped into my overly analytical brain, I realized how awesome I used to be. I mean, I’m still cool, but back then I was so oblivious to being normal that I just rocked out and did whatever made me happy.
I’m getting back to my roots of being a weirdo and writing about whatever I feel like. Maybe WordPress will explode if I write about mommy, weight loss, and business things all in the same post…but I’m willing to take a chance and find out.